You ever get so mad you start to question God? Tell the truth and shame the devil now.

Because that’s literally what I’m going through right now. 

As I write this post I am literally boiling hot. I am literally so ANGRY!!! I’m just so frustrated that I don’t have everything figured out… I really feel like I take one giant step forward just to be knocked 3 small steps backwards… 

And I find myself thinking, why Lord? 
Why do I even have to go through suffering?
To build good character? – why couldn’t I already come with good character? 
Like.. I really feel like we could’ve just skipped the hard part …

And yea yea yea “life isn’t supposed to be easy…” but why couldn’t it be? 
It’s all a part of growthhh… blah blah blah..  but why does it hurt? Because I know for a fact that I don’t speak for myself when I say, growth be feeling like a punishment. 

And some days … TUHDAY in particular … the suffering be feeling real heavy… It feels unnecessary and unfair… I just don’t see that there’s a means to an end… that this suffering is going to work out for my good… 

And STILL … even as frustrated as I am … I KNOW what the word says – all things work for the good of those that love the Lord… and I love Him. And I KNOW that He has a plan!

But knowing that doesn’t always make me feel better… especially not in the middle of this storm…

And truthfully, I thought I was mad at God… but I’m mad at me… 
I’m mad that I don’t have it all figured out!
I’m mad that I still overthink everything.
I’m mad that I’m not confident enough to step out on faith!
I’m mad that life just doesn’t look the way I think it should look! – That’s the funniest of them all because you know how that one saying goes, if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans. Smh 

But most of all … I’m mad that I don’t trust God completely!! Even though I know He’s working it all out in the background, I STILL doubt Him. 

But what I will say… what DOES bring me comfort is … EVEN THROUGH all this anger … all this questioning and doubt …
I KNOW that God still loves me. He’s not going to leave me in this storm or turn his back on me. And he’s not upset at me for being honest. 

His love is patient … gentle … kind … forgiving … and UNCONDITIONAL. 

And I say all that to say … 
I’m sorry God. I’m sorry for doubting you. I’m just frustrated. But I thank you for sticking beside me anyway. 

TAKE AWAY:
God’s love is unconditional and everlasting … even when you question it. Throughout your journey of stepping out on faith… continue to be honest with Him, he can handle it. There’s no need to fake faith.